Such a creep...

"...But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so f-ing special
I wish I was special

....Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so very special
I wish I was special... "

(Radiohead's Creep)

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I don't think I've been this disconnected with reality as I am right now. I promised myself I'd be better than this. I promised myself that I'd get around this. I promised, that I wouldn't be fodder for pain that came unrequited.

But then, Life decides to pour down on you, and by the time you run for cover, you find yourself submerged neck deep. What do you do then? 

...What I need right now is, a float, not an umbrella.. 

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I tweeted this earlier - "Disorientation is when you feel your heart, ache in 92 different places, while your brain takes off on 92 different tangents."

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I cry buckets. I am told that I cry "for the silliest things". I would like to disagree...But..anyway, I've never cried like this in the longest while. Why must it be so difficult? There are a hundred different things meandering in and around every convulation of my brain. There are voices buzzing inside of, and outside my head..There cannot be a more vivid description of chaos than this.

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Why?

Karma??

Damn!

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I could use a cloud of adjectives to describe my current state of mind. (This is when a sound vocabulary comes in handy! :p) But it would still not be enough. Plus, would it help erase all that has been said and done?...No!

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I am a sloppy piece of work!..Is my optimism sheathing the fact that I might be bordering on a delusional disorder?? Is there really, any hope at all??

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I need a new box of tissues and a hug.

To you: Lay off!

"So who do you think you are?", is what I want to ask you. And what gives you the right of ownership or even authority. Sorry! But your show of affection, attachment, bash-throwing-abilities, etc. is unwelcome.

When told to lay off, just Lay off!

Blessed with intellect I presume; it isn't herculean in degree of comprehensive difficulty to decipher, well, the obvious: You are not wanted or liked! ...not one effin' bit!

Phew!

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The phone shall ring..

Okay then...

I am a little...no wait! I am very scared! One phone call! I dont know when that is going to happen. Like a thief in the night the phone call shall arrive and a part of my fate shall be conceived....or not!!

This is the botheration of the situation!... I suck at Math and these probability questions that my mind brings up make me so super nervous! And of course, they're annoying too!!

I want what this phone call can give me but I'm scared it could keep it away from me as well!

The thayyam beats are back, each time with some renewed energised vigour! Talk about palpitations on steroids!

Aiyo! Stop yaaa!!

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small joys

Therapeutic feet treatments! I absolutely love!

So I'm at the spa getting my much awaited pedicure done, sneaking out of hair & make up..!

I'm happy today.

29th May 2011

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Karma, again

Warped is the word that describes my current state of affairs the best! Be it, the stew boiling in my mind or simply the day-to-day..uh..experiences! WARPED!

I head to Bombay tomorrow for a show and yes I'm looking forward to the madness. The last time(not too long ago) I was out of the city I found myself in Hyderabad, caught between, two very potent hemp smokers. I passively inhaled the smoke till the vapours began meandering through the convulations of my brain. Not too long after, my cranium started playing thayyam beats with a passionate vigour. It kinda sucks to be a non smoker when everyone around you is blowing grey clouds into the same air you try to breathe in!...ah! But such is life..

And of late, Life's been giving me some valuable lessons on Karma.

So....

Karma, I tell you, is a bitch.

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Happy people in a somersaulting Auto

With so many things to learn from, today has been perhaps,one of  the most soul enriching days I've ever experienced!...Yes it was a Sunday which means only one thing - Church. And I'm glad I went twice!

That apart, today was also a day when I got to see something that totally blew my mind. I was in an Auto, on my  way to Church, when somewhere in the middle of a road, another Auto which was ahead of us, toppled over 360 degrees. It was scary! Including the driver there were 4 people seated in it but thankfully not one of them was hurt, and I'm talking- peak traffic time when the roads are jammed and the people on it are on their impatient best. But this time around the frenzy was a little different..a lot different, to be honest. Because never in my entire life, have I seen passengers caught in an upturned vehicle attempt getting out of it, and laughing at the same time....Because never have I seen all the vehicles stop in their tracks for people to get off and hurry to get the Auto back up.

There could've been a fight (the mob is always ready) or there could've been a crowd of spectators. But what we had here was a group of people willing to help,smiling and thanking God that nothing worse happened.  

It's just amazing to see how positive approaches to instances can really turn things around. A cool head begets cooler situations.