The song on my mind...

"Don't question why she needs to be so free,
She'll tell you it's the only way to be.
She just can't be chained,
To a life where nothings gained.
And nothings lost,
At such a cost.

There's no time to lose, I heard her say.
Catch your dreams before they slip away.
Dying all the time,
Lose your dreams,
And you will lose your mind.
Aint life unkind?"


--Ruby Tuesday by The Rolling Stones

Answers? Required.

And sometimes when logic twists every straight line you try to draw. You run along the crests and troughs of every stream of cursive. And music bellows, while tornados burst open, through every old creaking door. You are caught in a whirlwind and surrounding you, is an orbit of faces, words and tears that seem strange, stimulating a series of actions working one after the other in orders tandem.

What next? You wonder. Afraid and wonderstruck. Why? Curious and wonderstruck. Stuck and wonderstruck. Apprehension? Yes, although, it comes with a certain unidentifiable excitement.

What is going on?

Mirror

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful-
The eye of the little god, four cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.
Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.


by Sylvia Plath.

**********

An old favourite :)

Listen

Why must silence be so unfair?
Every step so unforeseen,
Never a moment,
Nor a breath given.

I feel this as you do,
Breathe in as you do,
And dream as we have.
Better it will be.
For tomorrow
And the day after,
Will resound something anew.

Take these off
And drop all guards,
We require not!

I want you to come back again,
To walk me down the shore
That night where we began.
No more downpours
Only love's rain.
Listen to what calls us.
It sings again.

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Just a prayer..

Such a creep...

"...But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so f-ing special
I wish I was special

....Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so very special
I wish I was special... "

(Radiohead's Creep)

-----------------------------------------

I don't think I've been this disconnected with reality as I am right now. I promised myself I'd be better than this. I promised myself that I'd get around this. I promised, that I wouldn't be fodder for pain that came unrequited.

But then, Life decides to pour down on you, and by the time you run for cover, you find yourself submerged neck deep. What do you do then? 

...What I need right now is, a float, not an umbrella.. 

--------------------------------------------

I tweeted this earlier - "Disorientation is when you feel your heart, ache in 92 different places, while your brain takes off on 92 different tangents."

--------------------------------------------

I cry buckets. I am told that I cry "for the silliest things". I would like to disagree...But..anyway, I've never cried like this in the longest while. Why must it be so difficult? There are a hundred different things meandering in and around every convulation of my brain. There are voices buzzing inside of, and outside my head..There cannot be a more vivid description of chaos than this.

-------------------------------------------

Why?

Karma??

Damn!

------------------------------------------

I could use a cloud of adjectives to describe my current state of mind. (This is when a sound vocabulary comes in handy! :p) But it would still not be enough. Plus, would it help erase all that has been said and done?...No!

------------------------------------------

I am a sloppy piece of work!..Is my optimism sheathing the fact that I might be bordering on a delusional disorder?? Is there really, any hope at all??

-----------------------------------------

I need a new box of tissues and a hug.

My Coral Corset

Air tight and suffocate.

This is my coral corset.

I dressed in time for you to see,

How delicate a waist could be.

But your eyes traveled much too far,

Enough to excite dormant scars.

Running down the marble stairs,

I escaped into your tainted lair,

Where darkness grips and writhes in fear,

And the soul stirs and disappears.

The knell gets louder by every passing hour.

As I feverishly write in this desolate tower:

For them to know how vain it has been.

A masquerade I did parade.

For you to know how much you mean.

In riddles did I always speak,

I apologize for everything I've been.

On which side of eternity is my place reserved?

My heart questions; My mind unperturbed.

An eerie calm in the chaos,

Like charity sans any pathos.

A forewarning of what is to be.

On a flute accompanied by a tambourine,

The melancholy in the melody,

Rises above the clouds and beyond the trees.

What is to happen is closer than it seems.

I see unicorns on a carousel.

And I pray for another time.

Only to realize,

The wheels that turned,

Were in hands that weren't mine.

A thought. A whisper.

This has been the coldest winter.

I have always loved Orchids in purple.

Bring them to me. Be sure to remember.

The clock finally struck two.

My waist now bent,

And the knife stuck through,

My bloody coral corset.

Amy Winehouse - Back To Black

Dear Cavity/ Cavities,

This is an urgent request for you, to stop making my tooth/ teeth explode in my head.

Also, please do not resort to any more modes of panic, and/or subsequent nervous frenzy, whenever there is an oral intake of a cold beverage or Ice Cream.

I urge you to not spread, or dig any deeper. You will not find anything!

I also wanted to bring to your notice that, Chocolates, candy, cakes, sugar etc., are here to stay. Please don't scare them away. They're nice..and sweet! In fact, you should be friends with them.

And, there is one other thing that you must know in addition to the aforementioned detail- I hold a special disregard for dentists in general. Nothing personal, but, a minute's visit to a dental chamber is enough to leave indelible scars that last a lifetime. Some of which, I'm still battling. So, please do whatever you must, in order to spare me the trauma.

Now, in case you're wondering about what you'd get in return; I will seal this deal by assuring you, that the foamy goodness of Fluoride will be delivered to you every day...and yes, night too! This will be followed by an exquisite rinse in the finest and freshest menthol, Listerine could ever provide.

Looking forward to your kind and favourable action in this regard.

Thanking you,

Yours Sincerely,

The girl with the chocolate bar.

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Hope

My heart's got strings....No kidding! It does...And they tug hard!...

Of late...something weird has been happening. There is a certain pressing need to apologize and I must. I'm reckless otherwise, at least recent records claim so...uggh!.. but there's a bug in my brain and I need to get it out.

 **I'm Sorry and I know it isn't enough. I will make it better. I have hope!**

**************************************************

But weirder still, SoulCity has been showing up everywhere. Something wants me to leave...for something that has been close to my heart but has never been that close...that.. i-really-must-do-this close!

...Faces, their hands and stories, beads and a book..and more.

 I know but I don't know ...! Like I said it is weird.  Maybe it is a phase.. maybe nostalgia.. Maybe! *sigh*

***************************************************

We are so blessed yet we take most things in our lives for granted. Like HH Dalai Lama said, and I agree in totality, We do live in a world, full of paradoxes. For every blessing poured into our lives, our acknowledgment of its receipt, comes with a razor-sharp critique when, all that we needed to do was be grateful. True, it isn't possible to always be happy (..that is just abnormal!) but do we really need to grumble about everything??

We look forward to Tomorrow because something Yesterday, was worth living for. So why do we take Today for granted?

I say this because I have done so. . .My degree of cynicism has often reached shameful heights that sometimes envelope a certain much-loathed creature called Callousness. Insensitivity is the worst pet anyone could breed, and with it you breed parasites!!

And often times, because of my shortsightedness, I only see this much.

But I have hope. I read this today - " ..And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts..." (Romans 5: 5)


...And there is so much and more to be thankful about.

Vapour and Tape

Introspection: thorough reflection.
Find harnessed to my mind, is a jar full of words,
dragged along the mud.
I'm weird, strangely wired and jolting blues..
searching for clues,
messing with waves,
trying to hit an impossible octave.
Eccentricity is a bend,
a curve tandem; ever so random.
Figures form visions.
Bloating decisions.
Impulse and Inertia.
Bothersome but frigid.
Details in a turvy,
Topsy sugar cubes.
Sizzlers and riddles will i question no more.
Ask me this,
Show me that.
Pill fixes and a cola fizz.
Uh! I'm in a daze;
Jimi called it purple haze.
But I'm around,
Intoxication finds me and about.
Love your high.
Thinning in the vapour;
Leave behind corners.
Circular and bound,
Bound and abound.
Plucked out and loud.
Goodbye.
Away.Faraway.
Vapour and tape.

This! I so love!!

Absolute or Nothing

This twine should be wound around nothing
This call must be left unattended.
That sliver must not chip.
Nor the paint ever peel.

If ever the page should tear.
Hand me crisps whose body, now bare.
And if ever walls do crack
Be ready to seal it back.

Because you require not pages,
Written in your honour,
Nor prayers that take hours.

For all the plays you presented
With effortless charm.
In every chapter you so staged;
I must now perform.
With all the knowledge you've vested,
And all the skill I've honed.
To put back in its place.
This perfect and unmoved,
Frozen state.

Nimble! Nimble!

You said it again!
While I sang to the rain.
Leaving your tenor on the altar
Your voice knew no strain.
But in unison,with me, they joined again,
Seraphims, resounding in glory
From Heaven's golden train.

Must it always empty so quick?
For the paint to stick on nothing,
And the calls to never pick?

But this is good.
And better will be soon.
For your vision will I still pray
That you may not stumble another day.
And thank whoever did warn,
Of pain that came unrequited,
With love.
..And it did haunt.

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Amazing Grace

My first tattoo!!...I've waited for this one for a good 4 years, at least! And for more than 3 and a half hours, I sat crouched on a chair, getting my shoulder blade poked with an ink filled needled gun. The pain??...Was bearable and not excruciating as I had anticipated, but yes the last 20 minutes, or so(..It felt like a lifetime!) was the worst. I could feel my body giving way because of exhaustion. But it was worth it!

 And no..I do not enjoy pain. I am definitely not a masochist.

I did A LOT of homework before deciding to get the tattoo done. I needed, to make sure doubly, that what my heart wanted wasn't going to go against God's heart. My conscience needed to be clear. And in doing so I read up quite a lot...Scriptures and websites!

To quote from Leviticus 19: 28 (The Message version), it says "Don't gash your bodies on behalf of the dead. Don't tattoo yourselves. I am GOD."

The above scripture was the alarm bell that went off in my head. But I read further only to understand that   Leviticus firstly was a book of God's laws for all Israelites. In those days, it was a book that outlined rules and was a guide for their day to day living. And in the context of this particular scripture, keeping in mind the historic setting at the time it was written, it meant to not participate in pagan rituals, mark our bodies in preparation of the dead or imprint on ourselves, symbols and signs that belong to the heathen.

And if we are to stick to this particular law then we must adhere to everything else that the book of Leviticus has to say. And in doing so we may become vegetarians, cover our heads at all times and never wear clothing  made out of polyester!! ..Refer Leviticus!

However, we don't do these things solely because it isn't applicable nor practical in this day and age. And more importantly, the power of Jesus allows us to not be bound in a rut of legalism and by the rituals of the law, but to have the grace and the freedom to live above the law.In the New Testament, Romans 8:1-2 says, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."

 For me personally, my tattoo stands for most of the things my life is about and it has a story to tell. God's "Amazing Grace", is what sees me through every day of my life. I cannot do without it. 2nd Corinthians 12: 9 says "My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness."

 And I believe that completely. I have made mistakes and done some irreversible damages, but I go back to the Grace I can rely on. I go back to Him for strength and wisdom. And with every passing day I fall more in love with him.

He has made some of the most impossible things, Possible in my life. There has been a metamorphosis in me and its wheels are in motion. I don't know what tomorrow holds but I know I'm secure, in safe hands.

His Grace is where my Faith is.

...And the execution!

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The concept

.....Sketched by me, of course ;p

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Dear little heart shaped box

Dear little heart shaped box,

Find me a song, to hum it's tune.
Make the sunshine stay- dawn, dusk and noon.

Keep them safe, my secrets still.
Hide the notes, the ink and the pills.

Hand me maps to roads least trodden,
And keys for doors, waiting to be opened.

Fail not, all that is expected of you.
Courage, I hear, will see you through.

Speak to a doctor, a seer and a firefly.
And hush me silent when you hear me cry.
Teach me all that is there to know.
Hasten not, of me, to let go.

Search for words that hold all meaning.
Syllables, will I join, wringed of every feeling.

Morph my soul into fairy dust sprinkles.
Show me love from the star, that last twinkled.

And faithfully yours, will I ever be..
If you give me the moon and a song to sing.

....I

I am the rage that was swallowed
...scorn that you unleashed
...the blood smeared sword you sheathed
and the sanctity you tarnished.

I am your one last kiss
...art bespoke
...the heart you once touched
and the stone you tossed into the ocean.

I am Symphony that went unheard
...truth that was hushed
...memories that you reminisced
and the riff you failed to play.

I am the line you drew crooked
..the perfection you attempted to tailor
...the trophy you possess
and the glamour you always craved.

I am rain that pelted
..the flame that it dowsed
..pain that it numbed
and the thirst that was quenched.

I am what embalmed your wounded soul
...the colours that faded in a rainbow
..treasure that you once stole
seeds that you, then sowed.

I am your disease
...nemesis at your doorstep
...and the name you mustn't take in vain
I am your nocturnal fears
..the tears your pillows witness
...and the wall, on which it's shadows dance

I am life in all its glory
...stains that will always tell a story
Listen and surrender to my fury.

Smile, Tolerate, Respect and Love...
For I am evrything the mirror sees.

Faith & Adonai

Faith, as I see it, goes way beyond the walls of denominations or any other sort of a sectoral segregation. Plainly put - Religion is a phenomenon that was man made, serving only to dice up a formerly human(e) society.

I speak of Faith and by Faith which i must state delves deeper. It is more than lighting a candle or taking dips in water. Faith is simple yet wondrous: Faith the size of a mustard seed can surely move mountains. It paves a way for you and me to find our identity in our creator, establishing an unshakable bond. By faith I know, that, no matter how many tribulations come my way, He will never let go. Silent prayers and songs of praise will never be unheard. The guarantee of His Blessed Assurance will never be doubted.

Jesus lived a life of utmost simplicity. In all the simple truths he taught, he never once spoke of dividing ourselves into complex microcosms based on what we think is the surest way to salvation. As apostle Paul mentioned- There is only one way: Him. Then why are wee seeking to find newer paths that meander their way around complexities that find no solutions? Why do we browbeat ourselves trying to keep up with rites and rituals, when at the end of the day, we only needed to accept and believe?
Why cant we just get back to the truth? It is never changing and most definitely the ultimate.

A Mad Pursuit...or not!

…Because pursuits in this mortal world is vain. The quest for that which is larger than life, diminishes entirely and eventually. Associating thoughts with objects only translates to bondage, that which places shackles on one’s heart and subsequently on the purpose of his/ her existence.

I am not saying that pursuing success or wealth is wrong.  In its own right it is healthy and gives us reason enough to work hard. However what’s wrong, is this largely burgeoning desire to squeeze one’s life to the very last drop, failing-in the bargain- to notice how fulfilling that very life would’ve been, had one let go and shared all that had been acquired so far- knowledge, warmth, shelter and of course, love.

You can’t gratify your bodily senses and neglect your own soul. Much more than your lust for alloy wheels or patent leather pumps, is the need for  your soul to live in freedom. In Matthew 16: 26, Jesus tells his disciples – “..And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul? (NLT)”

So what good is it, to hold on to that which is of this world? Fleeting and bound by an expiry date?

Ambition will cave in once your 85. Iron will rust 20 years from now. Colours will fade from the favourite corner of your room. The buoy that we find our boat tied on to will, eventually be wind worn and washed away.

However you don’t have to look very far to find the anchor that will hold your ground if you find yourself in the eye of the storm. Look up to Him and find Love. A love that conquers and gives you the power to heal, the power to progress, the power to purify, the power to be free and the power to give. Embrace life that is purposed by God’s grace and love; seek His favour in all you do and count your many blessings, that He will unceasingly send your way.

Vanity Fair??

 "Mirror Mirror on the wall, Please tell me I'm the fairest of them all.."
....Such is the self consuming nature of the times we live in.

A few months ago I had developed some food allergy which left behind bad rashes on my skin. And I had, never more longed for soft supple skin than, I did then. Consequently I freaked out more than I should have.

But that entire ordeal did make me think…It made me realize(overwhelmingly, I shall admit) how vain I had gotten over the past few years, and how utterly futile, is this marathon pursuit of vanity! I mean I’m constantly bickering on how my nose doesn’t sit right on my round face or how my eyebrow isn’t arched right or how my arms make me look like hulk Hogan( yeah! I’m a crib pot and I think I’ve got fat arms!). So I had decided, that one fine day when I’ve accumulated enough resources, I would fix my nose and sink my cheeks.

But would I be happy?? Honestly, No!…I’d still be cribbing…If I am not happy now, I’d never be happy then! This is exactly what I mean by futility!

On a general note, most of us make tall claims of being ourselves or wanting to establish our individual identities on who we essentially are but at the same time we are the ones who are the most insecure lot!…and to start with, it’s the mirror that bears witness to this insecurity. When we’re so bound with wanting to change the way we look, how in the world are we going to ‘be ourselves’. Perfection isn’t attained with silicons, scalpels, collagen and botox; it is attained thro’ acceptance- acceptance of who you are and what you’re meant to be, as prescribed by the laws of nature. You cant change that. If its written, then its good!!

This just reminds me of an article I read recently where Julia Roberts said that we live in such dysmorphic societies where women don’t give themselves a chance to know what they’ll look like as they grow older. I couldn’t agree more! I don’t want to be a Dorian Gray- immortalising my youth by gutting nature’s truth.

However, I don’t think vanity is all that bad; part of it is loving yourself. So the pursuit will continue, but only thro acceptance and not alteration, ofcourse with a little help from bronzers, Kryolan D14 and the cross trainer.

Therefore high cheek bones are now officially off my wish list, else the dimple on my cheek would never sit any prettier!

The Prince and the Sparrow

Cyanide shot the little sparrow,
Met it's target, your poisoned arrow.
So you did- you my prince.
Shunning every word, you winced.
What did happen here, right now?
Bleak and blurry...
Oh, but how?
Quitting every ounce of faith,
Trampling truth and drying lakes,
Tears, you see, they run no more,
Runs my heart, to yonder shores.
Pushed me, this time, much too far.
Another second, another scar.

This, right here, is my final word.
As I meet my Maker, who first heard.
Goodbye to you- the dearest one,
Kept you first- but I came undone.

Fear not this world, my child!
Whilst Cherubs protect you noon and nigh,
Forget us not- so golden our time.

Save your targets for the right arrows.
Kill not, I pray- this little blind sparrow.

Musings and the High Street

 “Fashion is a strange and compelling creature.” – Shobhaa Dé


As much as I love fashion, I am yet to understand the technicalities, so involved. Picture this, for example: Ten of us, models, standing in tow waiting to be fitted into clothes that are being showcased that particular evening. While the designer and the choreographer discuss the different forms, silhouettes and colours with regard to which garment would suit a model or vice versa ( ..I’m confused.), I stand amazed by the latter’s in-depth working knowledge- silently hoping to be like him someday: Stylish, Fun and Informed.

I try hard to decipher the jargons that fly past my ears and finally google words like ‘taupe’(a certain shade of beige), ‘Chevron’ (a triangular motif, inspired by the military regiments) and ‘Culottes’(flared trousers or what we usually call-divided skirts).

Well, there’s more to know and I am eager to find out.

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 I don’t think fashion has anything to do with ground rules and style was never about statements. A top that screams ‘Ed Hardy’, thrown over a-shredded-to-threads-pair of denims and teamed with an attention-craving LV is only about statements (Blinding and offensive!) sans the panache!

And even though, each part of your anatomy has been labelled by different high street and oh-so-couture brands, it is essential to know that you might have just turned yourself into a delightful little douche bag!!

I understand I’m being rather harsh but Truth hurts and Reality ends up biting bigger and vainer holes into your pocket.

Lesson no. 1: Money does not buy Swagger!

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Sequins are overrated and must be banned from being sown on to every other saree,Lehnga,Salwaar-Kameez, etc. Ditto for crystals, stones and every other gawdy bling element that the filmi-fashion aficionados obsess over.
I’d rather be draped in Kalamkari or block printed silk 6-yarders, breathing easy and observing better.

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I’m thrifty by circumstance but I lust after clothes, shoes and bags by interest. If money were not an object, I’d match my dresses with a different Birkin everyday!!! But….I shall not be greedy and covetous. There’s more to life than beautiful diamond-encrusted patent leather bags (Sigh!).

 And while I find my purpose to this life, I will hop malls and raid secret hide-outs tucked away in the by lanes of this city.

Sometimes I like Ozzy...sometimes.

I wish I could play this track in football stadium....really loud!!

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To you: Lay off!

"So who do you think you are?", is what I want to ask you. And what gives you the right of ownership or even authority. Sorry! But your show of affection, attachment, bash-throwing-abilities, etc. is unwelcome.

When told to lay off, just Lay off!

Blessed with intellect I presume; it isn't herculean in degree of comprehensive difficulty to decipher, well, the obvious: You are not wanted or liked! ...not one effin' bit!

Phew!

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A cat named Ninja

She was a cat named Ninja. He was...Nothing.

She walked on open cans and jumped over open drains,

He loomed over parachute heights and dived into colourless lakes.

She purred with a passion.

He sighed in nonchalance.

Vengeance was another whisker.

No movement, in sight, ever skipped her.

Plastered on a wall, through the eyes of a poster,

He looked for long, until he found her.

Whistling through the wind,

A tune, needing repair.

Listening to it as it were,

Ninja felt something, in the air.

The whiff from the bins did not, however, change.

No matter how old, no branches did either break.

The darkness and the heat were one as always.

Yet something was amiss and unlike yesterday.

Stuck on the wall, Nothing moved.

From poster to pillar,

And now to where she stood.

She looked around to find her shawdow behind.

Fighting her mind,

Forcing the demons to go back inside.

She said, "No one could be around."

When they repeatedly reminded her of that terrible sound.

'Unscrupulous and deviant!

She'd never change', He thought.

'Why is she so blind?'

Knowing not that, Nothing was on her mind.

She mewed in discomfort,

Gaining decibels in forbidden anger.

But Nothing changed.

And Nothing moved,

From alley to hood.

Away from where she stood. 

And this one..

Stuck in my head..

Silver Corrosion

It is that again,
Cinders, ashes;
And acid rain.

It corrodes,
Infects
Disrupts
And taints..
My lining of silver
Of perfect shade.

Because you see,
My eyes still glisten,
And my memory has not failed.
This puzzle's lost pieces,
Have I found today.

And this is that which is today,
No. Not my mistake.
To comprehend all that was said,
And apologize for your myopic state?

But..
Grateful am I to realize what awaits,
A better dream,
To come through,
Will i make.

I closed my eyes,
placing my faith on Him.
Silently wanting and waiting,
To heal all that, which erodes.
To pacify another uproar.

The easel, the canvas and the brush- He gave,
For fading colours to fill once more.
And with the help of His strokes,
This lining will I now paint Gold.

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Needing is Niyaz.

I love them...I love her! Azam Ali :)

J-box touched base today and when he's around, he ensures that he updates my music knowhow.

And as much as I love Buckethead shredding his strings, I wonder if GnR is still going to have the same punch.

I moved from one video to another till I came across Serj Tankian's collaboration with the Iranian Azam Ali. Her voice haunts and has made me fall head over heels. Her band Niyaz makes music that has fairy dust sprinkled all over its notes. Electronic/ progressive Sufi and magic.. Nothing effin' like it!

And considering the fact that I'm a lyrics junkie, her songs- provided I'm aware of the language its being sung in- have not (yet! ...coz I'm a cynic :p) failed to disappoint. Loved listening to The tryst and Allah allah :) .

Oh! And I cooked...some very amazing Mac n' cheese. Wholesome dairy fat gooey goodness!!! :)

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The phone shall ring..

Okay then...

I am a little...no wait! I am very scared! One phone call! I dont know when that is going to happen. Like a thief in the night the phone call shall arrive and a part of my fate shall be conceived....or not!!

This is the botheration of the situation!... I suck at Math and these probability questions that my mind brings up make me so super nervous! And of course, they're annoying too!!

I want what this phone call can give me but I'm scared it could keep it away from me as well!

The thayyam beats are back, each time with some renewed energised vigour! Talk about palpitations on steroids!

Aiyo! Stop yaaa!!

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Crust full of Silence

And we say nothing.
The truffle looks back at me
And the water is dancing,
Into the glass you're pouring it into..

You pass the fries,
But your phone's got your eyes,
So are mine.
While the radio waves its flag,
I have much to ask,
Knowing you have more to speak.

..and then I meet your eye,
The one that got lost in the screen,
As though you already knew.

It's pouring and it never ends.
Your eyes know.
And your mind figures.
This is my heart.
Just shut up and kiss my lips.
Coz I know you know.

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small joys

Therapeutic feet treatments! I absolutely love!

So I'm at the spa getting my much awaited pedicure done, sneaking out of hair & make up..!

I'm happy today.

29th May 2011

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Karma, again

Warped is the word that describes my current state of affairs the best! Be it, the stew boiling in my mind or simply the day-to-day..uh..experiences! WARPED!

I head to Bombay tomorrow for a show and yes I'm looking forward to the madness. The last time(not too long ago) I was out of the city I found myself in Hyderabad, caught between, two very potent hemp smokers. I passively inhaled the smoke till the vapours began meandering through the convulations of my brain. Not too long after, my cranium started playing thayyam beats with a passionate vigour. It kinda sucks to be a non smoker when everyone around you is blowing grey clouds into the same air you try to breathe in!...ah! But such is life..

And of late, Life's been giving me some valuable lessons on Karma.

So....

Karma, I tell you, is a bitch.

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...Made me think!

"I'm not frightened. I'm not frightened of anything. The more I suffer, the more I love. Danger will only increase my love. It will sharpen it, FORGIVE ITS VICE. I will be the only angel you need. You will leave life even more beautiful than you entered it. Heaven will take you back and look at you and say: Only one thing can make a soul complete and that thing is love." - The Reader

Wait..Watch

I am the river, and not a sea.
Standing so still, also a tree.
Planted by these waters, I have borne fruit-
Of knowledge of evil and of the good.

But in my mind, battles have waged.
Swords are raised and kingdoms invade.
Many..Too much and far away.
Distant, forlorn...
Addressed to fray.

Written in darkness, on pages so white.
This- a feeling
No..Stop!
A fight.

Blotches of ink spread and smeared.
Stains- they darken and I disappear.

But by the waters I sit and take form.
Changing course and calming the storm.
Branches- they sway and swing to the tunes,
Of songs I sing; I learnt from you.

With ways and courses now so steered,
I will take charge.
I promise you this.
My wings wil grow,
As Time does heal.
And I will fly
above the seas.

So shall I soar,
To newer heights.
Beyond the clouds,
Into bluer skies.

But wait on the tree,
As it brings forth-
Wisdom and Sanity-
Now and evermore. 

..Well because this feels good right now....Party Rock \m/

Cheap karma??

Mistakes I've made,
One too many,
Nothing fits now.
Margins were never a plenty.
While you hung up,
I decided to carry on.

This flair you have,
For making me believe
A knack, you see-
Very well you decieve.

Conceit and lies
Are fused to make one.
Evil, conniving..
This treason you love.

Miserably- you failed.
Never proving what you claimed,
Hiding that which remained.
But with the first down-pour,
It had only begun to rain.

Your kisses still linger,
With an aftertaste that turned sour.
As my neck bears witness ,
To marks that turn, darker by the hour.

Spare me this horror,
And wake not more terror.

Doors have I closed to all in sight.
Not a whisper, never a tear
Nor emote but fright'.

For this current in me,
I have you to blame.
For tossing and toppling,
And dragging in shame.

You never deserved
A pedestal so high.
Sacrifices and stories,
To keep were always mine.

Dirty and empty,
Your soul is dark,
Reflecting colours and natures so stark.
Bigot! Bipolar!
Nature's mistaken freak.
Begone! Beware!
What comes around was never cheap.

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.. ...

...They knew not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well.
Long, long shall I rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.

-Byron

posted from Bloggeroid

Buzzer

I do not want to like you anymore.
Pathological. Yes a disease you are.
Tainted. I cant see too far.
A bad reflection.
Void. De(function).

posted from Bloggeroid

posted from Bloggeroid

wishing: searching: spacing

...and then what?

I wait for excitement but it seldom comes my way or I put tabs on myself to close doors on it. It's been long since I was goal oriented. Fat loss doesn't account for Substantial Goal Achievement even if its herculean in degree of difficulty.

Miraculous Intervention are two words that ring in my head from time to time. I need it more than anything, so as to get a grip. So that I can pull the lever down and get moving.

I feel bonded and posessed. I dont know where I've disappeared. I am the happiest when I sing or when I'M WITH YOU.

But when you're gone or when I get conscious of a high note becoming too screechy, my smile fades. I am caught between what should've been and what should've never.And the tragic irony of it is- I am unaware of what exactly both these tail ends are!

I wish I could spend the rest of my life in the utopia inside my head. A life free of breathless ambition, fiscal worries, paranoia, unwarranted judgment, jealousy, angst, physical casualties, remorse, lies, cacophony, counterfeit compliments, insects, snobbery, materialistic lust, pollution, cheap lyrics, voyeurism, flu, flattery, chores, solitude and being perennially pushed over.

posted from Bloggeroid

Elie Saab! I love thee..

I was only 14 years old when I watched Halle Berry recieve her first Oscar. More than the feat accomplished (Monster was an awesome movie!), I was awestruck by the gown she wore. And 9 years later, that particular gown is still stuck in my head- A floral netted bodice attached to a satin-silk ruffled burgundy skirt. It was, and still is the best piece of garment I've ever seen.

Elie Saab was a name I wasn't familiar with, then; It was only a few months ago that I learnt of this Lebanese couturier, whose objet d' art was the much coveted gown.

Since then, I poured myself over everything that was Elie Saab. I love his garments solely because his sense of aesthetics appeal to my fancies (someday perhaps....*sigh*)

I've always been a sucker for romance. Be it movies or books. I love it even more when Romance translates itself in terms of fashion. Throw in a few laces of sensuality combined with artistic eccentricity and you make my day! Which is exactly why I love Saab. And what strikes me most, is that this man, unlike most other fashion geniuses, had no formal training whatsoever. All he did, was to "follow his heart" sincerely! And what came through is now widely accepted as modern luxury.

Be it in Beirut (where he first opened his atelier at the age of 18!) or in Milan, his takers are many- ranging from princesses to actresses. Saab's gowns are best described as having a "Middle Eastern detailing alongside a European sensibility".

Satins, silks, chiffons, chantilly lace, pearls, beadwork & crystals are some of the things one looks out for in an Elie Saab. Even his pret is no lesser feat in terms of luxury.

As I scan through the pictures his 2011 collection, I can only wish for a miraculous fiscal breakthrough, to acquire some of these that sit pretty on my wish list!

Restart

We wrinkle the twinkle,

And lash this morrow.

Finding more nooks,

And stuffing the sorrow.

Deception distraught; this fear sublime.

Hurts like a dagger,

Pierces so fine.

A beating of a badger:  Love, so it feels.

The tears never stopped,

Looping every reel.

Melancholy is, but a name.

Crack the surface.

Notice it strain

This love, I know is divine.

You face its passion,

And drink its wine.

But questions and details,

Will I leave forgotten.

With each day anew and every moment awaken.

Disregard, not, the cracks your eyes see.

Embraces and answers-

Each crevice a story.

Companionship is mine to keep,

From desire and need with you to be.

Currents that rock our vessel this hour;

Bury the corpses beneath Time’s tower.

Erase that which was to never be.

And meet me halfway, the same street

Lessons you learn,

The morals might I miss.

Experiences I gain, but differences you see.

Together however we overcome these.

Overpower- Overshadow every disease.

Destiny, it is which brought me here.

Doubt not its course,

Its ways so steered.

You are my sunshine

With rays untouched.

Melting the surface,

To reveal the flood.

Without a taint, I vouch you my love.

Trust my heart, every beat so traversed.

This is my all that I give to you.

None a fraction, neither a part construe.

Wipe  the tears that cry for you.

Accept the heart that beats for you.

Love me the same today and after;

And begin with me a day brand new.

Happy people in a somersaulting Auto

With so many things to learn from, today has been perhaps,one of  the most soul enriching days I've ever experienced!...Yes it was a Sunday which means only one thing - Church. And I'm glad I went twice!

That apart, today was also a day when I got to see something that totally blew my mind. I was in an Auto, on my  way to Church, when somewhere in the middle of a road, another Auto which was ahead of us, toppled over 360 degrees. It was scary! Including the driver there were 4 people seated in it but thankfully not one of them was hurt, and I'm talking- peak traffic time when the roads are jammed and the people on it are on their impatient best. But this time around the frenzy was a little different..a lot different, to be honest. Because never in my entire life, have I seen passengers caught in an upturned vehicle attempt getting out of it, and laughing at the same time....Because never have I seen all the vehicles stop in their tracks for people to get off and hurry to get the Auto back up.

There could've been a fight (the mob is always ready) or there could've been a crowd of spectators. But what we had here was a group of people willing to help,smiling and thanking God that nothing worse happened.  

It's just amazing to see how positive approaches to instances can really turn things around. A cool head begets cooler situations.

Comatose

“Exit Seraphim..”

“I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;

I open my eyes and all is born again.”

-Sylvia Plath

Crash!

21^st August 1998, 11:23 p. m.

I bleed through my nose,

My legs are bent at the knees,

And my hands don’t move.

My head hurts-

A piercing pain that is flowing through every distributed vein in my body.

I feel something warm trickle down my cheek.

Blacked out by the pain, I guess it must be blood.

11: 27 p. m.

4 minutes hence; the longest 4 minutes my life has ever seen.

240 seconds.

I’m counting, waiting and trying hard to catch my breath.

I choke instead.

Voices- too many of them.

Like someone turned up 10 cassette players all at once.

Overwhelmed by this din, my eyes close for the last time.

Allowing one teardrop to roll down the side of my chin, they flicker no more.

11: 30 p. m

A tug, 3 slaps and what seems like a volley of nudges.

“Wake up….wake up!”

‘Is she alive?…Feel her pulse.’

“Take her to the hospital…fast!”

‘Call her parents…look it up on her phone..’

“Should we call for the police?”

‘Shh!…Look!..her fingers. She’s waking up…How long till we get there?’

Them voices again!

I manage to open one eye while the other struggles.

Faces – 3 of them, or maybe 4.

This quartet unison now tells me that I’m going to be alright,

..That my parents have been informed,

..That nothing serious has happened,

..That I’m going to be alright...yet again.

At the hospital, many more voices begin to cackle,

Mustering everything I have within me,

In a bid to silence and combat the pain,

I shriek, yell and scream.

A second later, I find myself howling as a needle penetrates my right arm.

I begin to feel cold.

Panic and frailty of judgment, caused morphine to be overshot through my system, driving me into the subconscious.

Sedated and silent.

I’m at peace now.

It’s all gone – the anguish, the shock, the blood, the people, the pain, the plans, the worries.

I feel my soul.

I see myself and hear my heart.

I see you..

We are meant to be.

And as you stand by the door, looking over my pulse – less body, I hear your heart pray.

I see the tears you try to fight off.

It is hard to remain stoic when you’re robbed of what’s yours.

Two more weeks for the wedding;

This is what we’ve been waiting for, holding on to so many years, wanting to be with each other more than ever.

I understand your anger and your pain.

I wish you could hear me now, when I say,

I’m not going to let you down,

I promise I will always be around.

Mama, it breaks me to see you cry like this.

I need you to be strong,

Be strong for papa.

Tell him that I will be back.

With so many songs left to sing,

Who else is going to play it loud?

Who else is going to make him proud?

Don’t let your faith shake,

Pray as you always do,

What is purposed will definitely come through.

23^rd August, 1998, 9:17 a. m.

A single collision preceded a bilateral brain damage, manifested through a 35. 17 hour long slumber.

I looked at my life in retrospect.

I was guilty of the mistakes I had made,

Afraid of the consequences I might have to confront,

And disappointed by the failures I countered.

Perhaps it would make a fine decision to stay back,

To save my being from physical scars,

To be celestially bound, safe and aloof.

But would it really…?

No!

You – who has taught me to love, live, laugh and learn;

You – who has taught me to fight, pray, give and work,

I could never disregard or keep away from.

This life is mine to nurture and there is more to it,

than tracheal tubes, cylinders and a glass room.

The vein in my wrist throbs,

While my legs feel cramped and heavy.

As the tingles and aches return to my body,

I hear a voice in my ear –

“Baby”

I hear it again

“Claire!..Baby, are you listening?”

I pry my eyes open.

‘Yes’, I attempt feebly.